Keep Holding On
by JoyScott13
Summary: "Alec's fingers brushed unconsciously over his parabatai rune as he looked around at the empty training gym" Alec struggles with the absence of his parabatai and his fears about what he might be going through with Valentine, and he remembers the first morning after Jace had joined their family.


Alec's fingers brushed unconsciously over his parabatai rune as he looked around at the empty training gym. It was early, too early for most of the Shadowhunters currently inhabiting the New York Institute to be awake, and so the hallways were devoid of their usual commotion. But Alec was used to that, he was used to being awake before the rest of the Institute. That wasn't the problem, that wasn't why he felt so strange and lonely. What felt so fundamentally wrong was that the training gym was empty and Alec was alone and the person who was responsible for him always waking up at such an ungodly hour was gone.

Jace should be here.

Alec and Jace had trained here together nearly every morning since the day Jace had joined their family.

* * *

Alec could remember the first morning after Jace arrived so clearly. He'd been 10 years old, covered in bruises, having just watched his father be murdered right in front of him, utterly alone in the world – the fact that Valentine had allowed his own son to go through something like that was one of the many reasons Alec was aching to put a seraph blade through the man's heart – and yet every ounce of this small person had defiantly dared anyone to pity him.

That first morning Alec had been woken by the sound of a door down the hall shutting too loudly, the room's new occupant not knowing the trick to shutting it quietly. Alec jumped out of bed, slipping out of his room and following Jace as quietly as he could. He was surprised when the younger boy stopped at the training gym. He'd found his way there after only a quick tour of the institute the previous day, and Alec watched with amusement as he began to stretch. He was clearly going to train, despite being 2 years too young for formal physical Shadowhunters training. As Jace walked determinedly towards the rows of training weapons, Alec's big brother instincts stepped in; he couldn't sit by and watch as the kid hurt himself on his first day with them.

Jace dropped the staff he'd selected with a start when he saw Alec standing there – Alec was sure that had been one of the only times he'd ever been able to sneak up on Jace – and looked so painfully unsure of himself, and so worried that Alec found himself momentarily speechless.

"I just want to train. I'm not doing anything wrong." Jace had asserted, his voice sounding confident despite the fear in his eyes, like he was expecting some sort of punishment. Alec wasn't sure he'd ever seen anyone look at him in fear before; even Izzy had never actually been scared of him when he'd caught her doing something wrong. And Alec wasn't entirely sure what Jace was doing that was so terrible for him to be _that_ worried. Alec tried to smile reassuringly. He felt awkward, like he didn't know what to say or how to act around Jace.

"You're not supposed to be in here without an adult," He started slowly, "And you're not 12 yet. Only Shadowhunters over 12 are allowed to train in here." Alec had always found comfort in the rules; they provided order and by following them he knew he was doing what he was supposed to do. Apparently this was news to Jace though, as a look of disbelief crossed his face.

"You mean you don't know how to fight?" he asked incredulously, momentarily forgetting that he was worried about Alec getting him in trouble, "You're still not trained?"

Alec bristled a little, "Of course I'm learning how to fight, but not in here. I'm not 12 until September, and you don't get to train with weapons until then. You have to learn the basics first."

"Oh." Was all Jace said at first, as he considered Alec carefully, wondering if he was lying to him, "My father-" his voice wobbled on the word and Alec saw a look of frustration cross the younger boy's face as if he was annoyed to have shown any emotion, "I went on missions with my father."

This time it was Alec's turn to be surprised, "Oh." He looked down at the younger boy, wondering how someone that small had been allowed on a mission. He was only a little older than Izzy, and Alec would never let her on a mission, not for years and years. Alec was certain his parents had never mentioned anything like that to him.

"I'm not lying! I've been on loads of missions!" Jace insisted, "It's not that big a deal." Alec was fairly certain it _was_ a big deal, but he could feel how defensive Jace was on the subject, and so he just sat down on the floor to think.

"Was it scary?" He asked before he could stop himself. Jace sat down next to him, seemingly deciding how to answer.

"A little, I guess." Alec couldn't help but think Jace wasn't telling the whole truth, "But my father was always there, and I knew he'd keep me safe. I had to be brave for him. He's the greatest Shadowhunter, nothing could ever stop him." Jace trailed off suddenly, realising what he'd said, and he'd furiously fought back tears that had threatened to fall. Alec couldn't help but reach out to reassure him, but, before he could make contact, Jace flinched and jumped to his feet, backing away. Alec was stunned by both his speed and his reaction. He was going to have to be careful in figuring out how to get to know Jace. And he really, really did want to get to know him.

"Will I get in trouble for being in here?" Jace asked Alec slowly, his earlier fears returning.

"Well, if someone catches you in here, unsupervised and with a weapon, then probably, yeah." Alec answered truthfully. He didn't expect a flash of fear to cross Jace's face. It wasn't like the consequence would be anything _bad_. "But I won't tell on you." Alec promised. He wouldn't have anyway, so long as Jace wasn't in any danger, but he wanted to make sure Jace knew, "Why are you here so early anyway? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"I always train first thing." Jace answered as though it was obvious, then explained himself when he remembered that Alec clearly had a different routine to him, "My whole life I've trained every day, starting early. My father wants… wanted, to make me into the best Shadowhunter I could possibly be, and that means working hard. He'd always get me up and train with me in the mornings. I'm not going to let him down, no matter what anyone says." His voice had taken on that defiant tone again, like he was challenging Alec to disagree with him.

Alec stood up slowly, "So that's why you came here this morning? To train?" Jace nodded. "For your father?" Jace nodded again.

Alec took a deep breath, "Well, you can't really train alone, can you?" He bent down to pick up the staff Jace had dropped earlier. When he looked up, Jace's eyes were shining.

"You'll train with me?" he asked, his voiced tinged with shock and hope.

Alec walked over and took down another staff, throwing it to Jace, "What does it look like?" He answered with a smile. Jace grinned at him, and Alec couldn't help but think he looked truly alive for the first time since he'd met him, happy and hopeful and truly himself. Alec knew that all he wanted was to make Jace this happy all the time. Alec had only known him for less than a day, but he could see that Jace deserved it, that Jace deserved to have someone love him and make him happy and to look out for him. Alec could do that.

Although, as Jace advanced towards him with the staff it suddenly occurred to Alec that this might not be the best idea. Jace might be smaller than him, but hadn't he said he'd trained every day, and even gone on missions? "Remember, I've not done this before." Alec blurted out a little nervously.

Jace laughed, practically buzzing with energy, "I'll go easy on you."

It turned out that Jace's version of _going easy_ on him involved Alec going crashing onto the matts time after time. Until the one time he sent _Jace_ flying and he just lay there still, making Alec rush to his side asking if he was okay, only for Jace to start laughing. Alec couldn't help but laugh too, collapsing down next to him. Despite having been well and truly beaten by Jace, Alec couldn't help but feel like this just might be the happiest he'd ever been. He belonged here, laughing with Jace. And Jace belonged with him, and with Izzy – although Alec didn't want to think about what sort of trouble they'd get into once they got to know each other.

Eventually the boys stopped laughing, and Jace turned to Alec with a serious look on his face, "Are kids really not meant to go on missions?" He asked softly, and when Alec shook his head he continued, "Can we keep it a secret, between us?" Alec detected a note of pleading in his voice; Jace had seen his negative reaction to the information and didn't want anyone else to react similarly.

Alec considered it for a moment. He couldn't see any harm in not telling anyone. Jace had made it through in one piece, and his father wasn't around to put him in any more danger. And, if Alec was honest with himself, he liked the idea of having a secret with Jace, of being someone Jace felt confident enough to confide in.

"Of course." He answered, and was met with another of Jace's grins that made Alec's heart leap with happiness.

They continued sparring for a while, and although Alec was sure Jace was letting him win occasionally, he did feel like he could get better at this. Jace was being patient with him, and careful not to hurt him. Part of Alec was excited for a time when they were more evenly matched, and could really go for it. Then one of Jace's blows that wasn't quite as precisely timed glanced the side of Alec's head, and he went down hard.

Jace was at his side in an instant, the uncertainty back in his voice again, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." His voice wobbled, and he sounded every bit as young as he was.

"It was an accident, it's okay," Alec shook his head, then groaned in pain as it made it hurt more. Jace looked pale, but he reached into his pocket and pulled out his stele.

"I can make it better." Jace promised, and took Alec's hand, pulling up his sleeve to reveal a patch of unmarked skin, "I'll draw an iratze." Alec couldn't help but note how easily and quickly Jace was able to draw complicated rune. While all Shadowhunter children practised drawing all of the runes, the way Jace did it implied years of experience. Alec couldn't help but wonder if it was practice on himself or on someone else, but he didn't think Jace would react well if he asked him. Not yet.

The pain went away quickly, and Alec was able to convincingly smile at Jace, "Thank you."

"It was my fault, I'm sorry." Jace mumbled, backing away from Alec.

Alec shook his head, "It was an _accident._ " He emphasized, "Anyway, I should have moved out of the way. You would have." He gave Jace a pointed look.

Jace couldn't help but grin, "Of course I would have. I'm faster than you." Alec laughed and picked up his staff.

"Are you up for another round?"

Jace smirked at him, "If you're sure you can take it."

Alec was about to reply when Jace suddenly stood alert, his walls flying back up and uncertainty masking his face again, his eyes locked on the doorway. Alec jumped around to see what was wrong, and felt his own heart jump too. They were in so much trouble.

"What is going on here?" Maryse Lightwood demanded, her voice strict and her features cross, "I thought I heard something down here and this is what I find? Explain yourself Alexander, you know better than this." Alec hated being in trouble with his parents. He always tried to do the right thing, and the rare occasions when he did get in trouble were the worst.

"It was my fault." Jace stepped forward, his voice brave, although Alec could tell he was scared, as in actually scared, not just not wanting to get in trouble scared. Maybe he thought they'd send him away? Alec wouldn't let that happen.

"It was _my_ fault." Alec asserted, moving so he was standing between Jace and Maryse without thinking, "Last night Jace told me he used to train with his father in the mornings, just a little. I thought it might make him feel more at home." Alec put on his sweetest voice, knowing that his mother had been worried about Jace _not_ feeling at home, "I know I should have asked you first. I'm sorry." It was technically true. Technically. Alec never lied to his parents.

Maryse's face softened a little, and Alec knew the worst was over. He glanced back at Jace, and was sad to see that he looked as worried as ever.

"Is that true?" Maryse directed the question at Jace, who looked quickly at Alec, then back at her, before nodding and mumbling an "I'm sorry."

"Well then, perhaps we can arrange something. I'm sure Hodge wouldn't mind starting training you two a little earlier than normal." She suggested with a small smile. Jace was suddenly at Alec's side, with that hopeful look on his face again.

"Really?"

"Really." Maryse's smile widened at the look on his face. She was so desperate for her old friend's son to feel at home here with them, and it had been a struggle to be cross in the first place when she'd realised what she'd heard had been Alec and Jace laughing. She forced herself to look stern again.

"However, today's behaviour was unacceptable. We have rules for a reason, to keep you safe and to keep order. You will not come in here again without permission, agreed?" When both boys nodded, she continued, "And as for the matter of your punishment for today," Both Maryse and Alec couldn't help but notice the gulp Jace took "I think writing out every rune from the Gray Book twice should be sufficient, don't you? Straight after breakfast." With that she ruffled Alec's hair, and reached to do the same to Jace's, but he stepped back instinctively. Maryse sighed to herself, wondering how long it would take for him to feel comfortable around them. She nodded at the boys, at her sons, and started to walk away. She really was happy to see that they were getting along, even if that meant Alec breaking the rules.

As his mother left, Alec turned to Jace, who had an incredulous look on his face.

"All she's going to do is make us write out the runes?" He asked Alec in disbelief. Alec frowned at his new friend.

"What else would she do?" He asked, before groaning "It's gonna take so long." Jace breathed a sigh of relief and smiled at Alec, who wasn't sure what he was so happy about. It was going to be _so_ boring.

"It's not so bad here." Jace acknowledged with a smile, "We get to train together!" Seeing that happy look on his face again, Alec knew he'd write out every single rune a hundred times, to keep him happy and safe.

* * *

Alec's heart ached with the memory. It was strange now to think that there had ever been a time _before_ Jace. Their family was incomplete without him. Alec walked over to one of the punching bags and gave it a swift strike.

He'd always known that there had been something not quite right with Jace's upbringing. He'd treasured each story that Jace had shared with him about his past, but more often than not he'd felt a sense of unease as Jace spoke so reverently about a father that had treated him so badly. Abused him, as the mundanes would say. Shown him just enough love to keep him desperate to earn more, and messed him up in so many ways. Alec loved Jace regardless, he always would. He'd been secretly glad that Jace's father had died, because it meant that Jace became a part of their family and was loved and treated like he should be. He'd never told Jace how he'd felt about his father, because he was dead and Jace loved him and missed him and it didn't feel right. But more than once he'd found himself appreciating his parents that little bit more; they were flawed, but they could have been worse. Although recently he'd had that belief shaken slightly.

While he'd always known Jace's father had not been a good man, finding out he was _Valentine_ had been a whole new level of awful. So many little things about Jace's past had made so much sense, and it had made Alec love him even more for being so strong as to stay such a good person despite that influence. And despite what he might think about himself. But of course Alec had been too preoccupied being mad at Jace to properly talk to him about it, and then everything had happened and now Jace was gone. Gone _with Valentine_.

Alec put all his force behind another blow.

Jace had done it to save them, to protect them, because that was who Jace was. But Alec knew how far Valentine had messed with his head, and he could barely imagine what he'd be going through now. Everyone always said that Jace was the greatest Shadowhunter of their generation – something Alec couldn't argue with – but when he looked at Jace he sometimes still saw that little boy with the big eyes, frightened of the consequences of getting in trouble. Not that it had even stopped from him breaking the rules; Alec suspected it hadn't when he'd been with Valentine either. And now he was with him again.

The punching bag shook as Alec pummelled it again.

More than once Alec had heard people say that Jace had gone willingly. That Jace had wanted to join his father. That Jace was a traitor.

This time Alec hit the bag so hard it almost fell over.

There were people saying that when they found Jace, he should be put on trial. That he'd been a spy all along. There were people who didn't think any effort should be made to find Jace, unless it was to hunt him down. He spent a lot of time holding Izzy back from screaming at them; he understood her impulse but he knew it would make no difference. He knew that if Jace was here a part of him might even agree with those voices.

He'd promised himself that he would protect Jace as best he could from the demons he knew lived inside his head, and yet he'd had no choice but to watch as he walked away, right into their clutches. He remembered the day he'd agreed to be Jace's parabatai, and Jace had asked him _why_. Alec had heard the unspoken insecurity of _why would you want me,_ the same insecurity that always hid underneath Jace's arrogant boasts. Alec had answered him honestly, mostly. He'd said that Jace needed someone to look after him; Alec had wanted to be that someone since the day they'd met. He'd wanted to be by Jace's side. It didn't matter how many times they fought, and that had been a lot recently, that was an unbreakable truth. He knew Jace felt the same way about him, but part of Alec's vow had been to save Jace from his own reckless and selfless impulses. And he'd failed.

In his darkest moments Alec wondered if he'd ever see Jace again. He wondered if Jace would be the same if they got him back, if he _could_ be the same. He'd said as much to Izzy once, and she'd been so angry she'd thrown him out of her room, shouting that _when_ they got Jace back, they would _make_ everything okay, and that he _could take his negative energy somewhere else!_ Alec had seen too late that Clary had been standing at the door and had heard what he said. She'd looked so pale, but she'd managed to smile at him and say something about how she knew they'd get Jace back. He'd realised she'd been trying to comfort _him_.

Suddenly Alec gasped, his hand flying to his parabatai rune. A wave of pain washed through him, and he collapsed to the ground.

"Jace!" He groaned, knowing it wasn't his own pain he was feeling. Along with the pain he felt a sense of blind panic. Something was happening to Jace, and he had no idea what it was. Or where he was. Was he under attack? Was it Valentine? Was Jace… For a sudden horrible moment he wondered if he was about to feel his parabatai bond break, if Jace was about to-

The pain faded away, leaving Alec panting on the floor. He wasn't sure how much time had passed. This wasn't the first time this had happened, although it had been the worst. Alec wanted to scream with the frustration of it all, but he knew it would be of no use. Jace was okay. Well, Jace was alive; he could feel that much. And they _would_ get him back.

He hadn't told anyone about the moments of pain he felt through their bond. It would only add to his family's worries about Jace. So far, he'd been alone when it happened. He would just have to find his parabatai before it happened again. He'd go to Magnus today, and tell him he was willing to do _anything_ to help Jace. Logically he knew Magnus was already doing _anything_ he could, but nothing was working and they had to find _something_.

Alec gave the training gym another sad look, thinking of all the mornings he'd spent with Jace here over the years. They'd trained at other times too, but these mornings had been theirs. Hodge had been there most of the time, especially when they were younger, and that only added to the pain in Alec's heart. How much more betrayal would they face?

Alec closed his eyes and allowed himself to remember the last truly _normal_ morning they'd had here. The morning before they'd tracked the shapeshifter to Pandemonium. Alec had been running late, and he'd walked in to find Jace had already started. For a moment, all Alec could do was stare, feeling his breath sucked away. Then Jace had looked up at him and made some comment about how if Alec wanted to be lazy and sleep in then he and Izzy could probably manage the mission without him.

How he wished Jace was here now to laugh at him; to laugh with him. He'd left so much unsaid.

"Wow, I didn't think anyone else would be awake at this time!" Alec jumped at the voice that came from the doorway behind him, "Although I guess I should have expected it from you." It was Clary, and Alec was surprised to find he was actually happy to see her, "Did I just make you jump?" Clary asked, her tone mocking, but Alec was pleased to see a genuine smile on her face. He had no idea when he'd started to care about her.

"Don't get used to it." He responded snappily, but he couldn't help but smile back.

"I couldn't sleep." Clary's voice took on a more solemn tone, "When I close my eyes I see _him_ and I know Jace is with him." Alec gave her a long look. He was starting to like Clary for whom she was, but he knew that the one thing they'd always have the most in common was their love for Jace.

"Me too." He managed to say, his hand once again finding its way to his parabatai rune.

"Have you sensed anything?" Clary asked him quietly. Alec shook his head, and she breathed a shaky sigh of relief, "I guess that's a good thing." There was no point in worrying her more than she already was. Alec knew she wasn't sleeping, and he'd overheard Jocelyn telling her she needed to eat _something_ at least once a day.

"Will you help me train?" Clary asked, surprising him. He knew Jace had been teaching her a little, and Hodge and various other people, but other than the day she'd snuck out on him, she'd never asked him for help with it.

"I want to get stronger, to be a better Shadowhunter. I want to _help_." For a moment she reminded him of Jace. Not in the way a sister reminds you of a brother – Alec was still struggling with that one – but in the sense that they were driven by the same fire, the same passion. For the first time, Alec truly understood just why Jace had fallen for her, even if that had turned out to be yet another burden to weigh Jace down.

"I want to help _Jace_." Clary added, and Alec noticed her reaching for a seraph blade, her eyes blazing.

"Okay first, we won't be training with that, not today." Alec carefully guided her over to the staffs he and Jace had used for the first time together all those years ago, "You start with these, just like everyone else."

Alec and Clary trained as the day began to start around them, the Institute coming to life, Alec doing all he could to teach her and to make Jace proud when they got him back. After a little while Izzy joined them, and as they sparred together, all three of them couldn't help but feel Jace's absence. But looking at their faces, Alec felt a renewed sense of belief that they would figure it all out together. He sent out a silent message to Jace, wishing, not for the first time, that their bond allowed for telepathic messages.

 _Hold on a little longer, we're here for you_. _We haven't given up on you._

Together they would get Jace home.

* * *

 **Author Notes:**

Hi! This is my first fic for Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments, although I've read the books more times than I can count!

This fic is obviously set in the TV show universe, but I've included a lot from the books – it's a mish mash, like the show!

(I know in the books it's a thing that children under 12 are too young to be runed, but for this fic it fitted that they COULD be runed, and they've not mentioned it in the show one way or another! So I've decided that they can be given essential runes, like healing if needed - although most children would obviously never need it!)

I hope you enjoyed it! It ran away from me because I care about these characters so much!


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